The Bottom Line: How 2020 has Changed the World of Parenting

Over my 11 years as a mom, I have benefited from some amazing parental teachers and role models. I’ve been involved in Mother’s Groups (online and IRL, back when we did that sort of thing), asked for additional conferences with my kids’ teachers, brought up my kids’ behaviors in my own therapy, read dozens of articles and chapters of many books.

In short, I’ve considered myself a student when it comes to parenting. After all, I have no formal training in raising little humans.

That’s why, when I first had the chance to collaborate with Melissa Benaroya on a project, I knew I needed to bring her on the show for a special episode about parenting.

Melissa is a therapist, a parenting coach, and the author of Childproof Parenting.

Can you tell us about your own family scenario right now?

Melissa: Both my husband and myself are working from home and I have two children that are teenagers that are managing school from home as well. We have not been in school since last March. So it feels like we're doing a little bit of like a room tango every day where I'm working in this room, you're taking a call in that room, you're talking to your teacher over there.

We're constantly shifting and it’s a lot of coordination making sure everybody can get their work done and show up and do what they need to do. But luckily, I have older children, so I'm not having to do the homeschooling with my kids, which I know a lot of working parents are having to do literally moment by moment teetering between being in a meeting on Zoom and answering some math questions, right? Or helping with technology making sure kids are on Zoom when they need to be.

What is it like with teens right now from a household standpoint?

Melissa: You know, I think mental health is a real big challenge for teens. This is a point in their development where they are breaking off and their peer group is the most important piece of their life in their world. And right now, my children aren't actually able to see most of their friends. They each have a friend, but building those networks, those dynamics, those skills, you know, personal skills and how to manage conflict with people and build intimate relationships. It's just not happening. So it's a big struggle for teenagers right now.

Overall, how have your children impacted your career?

Melissa: They’re driving what I chose to do as a career. I feel so passionate about raising healthy, happy children and creating strong relationships between parent and children. And they're my greatest teachers and I've learned so much about myself from them. I take all of our daily experiences into the work that I do with other families. I mean, obviously I have a lot of training outside, but I think my greatest training is the work that I do with my kids.

Even though I'm a parent coach and this is what I do day-in-day-out, they're typical kids, same challenges. They're not perfect little angels or robots. So I feel grateful that I get a practice. I'm in it. I'm practicing what I preach every day and I totally screw up too. And luckily I have very forgiving children and they’re understanding and embracing the fact that mistakes are opportunities for learning. So you know, it's a challenge because I feel like I need to be a really good parent all the time, 24/7, because that's what I do. And also give myself some grace when I just don't have the energy or fuel to show up the way I want to.

Can anybody be a good parent 24/7?

Melissa: I don't think so. You know, I think we all put these unrealistic expectations on ourselves and sometimes we forget that there are really unrealistic expectations.

What has 2020 done to the world of parenting in your practice and with your clients?

Melissa: I think parenting was already hard to start, right?

Working parents already were doing a major juggling act. And now I think it's like everything's full throttle.

And not only is it just harder managing the logistics between home and school and kids, but I think, you know, there's bigger challenges that kids are facing right now that we need to support them with a lot of stress, anxiety , etc.

Some kids just don't do well in school online, so they’re struggling academically as well. In 2020, I think there are greater challenges that kids have and greater challenges that parents have. And the two are kind of the perfect storm. And even though my heart goes out to working parents that are raising young kids, especially, I'm glad it's bringing it to the forefront and the focus of employers that they need to support their employees where they're at, not just in their role as a professional, but as their role as a parent as well.

If they are not feeling supported in that parent role, they're not going to be able to show up and be a good employee or a teammate or leader in whatever position they have.

Why is that? Why is it that we can't bring that “best and highest” functional self to work when we have the parent piece falling apart or feeling rough?

Melissa: If we are completely drained from the work we're doing at home, we're not going to have the energy, the focus or the creativity to do the work that we need to do.

And if we are not feeling successful at home, all of that is sitting there on the brain. That comes with us. We don't (you know, literally right now working from home) shut the door and it all goes away. It's all there. So it really does. It's a distraction and it affects the way we feel about ourselves and our competency and our self-esteem. So all of that affects the work that we do outside of our homes.

You mentioned feeling successful as a parent. Is that a new idea, generationally, that it's possible to succeed at being a parent?

Melissa: It depends on what your definition of success is. If you feel like you have a good handle on things and you're feeling confident in how you handle situations, I feel like that's success. It's not that we have the perfectly painted family and my children listen and do what I say—it’s feeling confident in, “I have the parenting skills to manage this and I have a strong relationship with my child.”

I have a lot of parents that come to me in crisis and unfortunately, they've waited a long time, like situations have gone on for sometimes years and years. And parents are at a loss. They feel helpless, they feel hopeless. And it's just not a great place to be, right? And that trickles into every part of their life.

So how do you help parents, you know, get reset from helpless and hopeless?

Melissa: I first help parents shore up what their goals are. What are you really trying to accomplish? And not just thinking in the short term of, “I want my child to listen to me when I tell them to do things,” but the kind of human they're trying to nurture, the type of relationship they're having.

I think it's getting refocused and also shifting the lens in better understanding why their child is behaving the way they are and why they’re doing the things they're doing. I think many times we're responding to what we see on the surface and we're not looking, taking a step back and using the lens of what's underneath here. I think when we look at what's underneath the behavior, we have greater empathy for our kids and we have greater clarity on the best way to manage a situation.

My role is to help parents kind of shift the lens in which they see challenges and then also identify the tools and strategies that they already have and just making small little tweaks. So they're more effective in the way they parent. And a lot of it comes down to just how we're communicating, being more intentional about how we communicate and what we're inviting from our kids. So many times our kids' behavior is in response to what we're doing and saying. So if we make a shift in what we're doing, many times we see a shift in their behavior.

It's tempting to think, “Where is this coming from? What is going on?” And the last thing I would think is maybe they're responding to or mirroring what I'm doing.

Melissa: Many times, absolutely. Modeling is so powerful.

What we do and how we manage our stress and whether we take care of ourselves or not is going to influence what they do in those situations.

Most parents think about, “What can I do for my kid?” Or “What should I say to my kid?” and many times it's like, “What should I be doing?”

In a situation when my kid is freaking out and losing it, or having a big emotion, many times we focus on calming them down. And I think it's even more beneficial to take a moment and just think about, “Where am I right now? Where am I emotionally and what self-soothing skills can I use to calm down because how I feel and how I act is going to influence my child.”

So really focusing the attention many times on ourselves, which doesn't feel kind of like the natural thing to do. The knee-jerk response is focus on the child.

Our brains are wired to emulate one another. So many times the greatest impact we can have on our kids is what we do with ourselves.

One of the hardest things about 2020 in my experience is, “We're all stuck in this house.” The regular outlets have been either removed or so modified that they don't feel like outlets anymore. And the tension is higher because of all this. So it's not even like we have less to process. We have more to process. And I think I I've been guilty of jumping into the fray.

Melissa: I like suggesting to parents that when they approach any parenting challenge, they start with an empathetic statement and it sounds like, “Oh, no.” Or, “Oh, it's so hard.”

It's that first thing that we say before anything else that opens the door and allows the child to know that, “Hey, I hear you, I see you.”

It's hard to do that when people are escalated around us. So that's why it's a practice and a skill. And some people are naturally empathetic, empaths, right? They're very empathetic. Naturally. Some of us are not, and we need to practice.

I liken empathy to a muscle. The more that we practice it, the greater access we have to it and the more it feels just natural in the way we respond.

So with kids, especially young kids, “It's so hard” is a really easy one to interject the situation. Some people say things like, “Oh man,” or, “Oh, no” just to get the kid to tune in. It allows us a space to connect before we correct. Or redirect kids. And without the connection, we're just not going to be successful in managing through like the situation of conflict between two kids.

That is really great. Thank you. I feel like that's one I can try right away.

Melissa: I always suggest to pick a one-liner to start. Cause it's going to be really hard to think in the moment. So I suggest initially just pick out a one-liner and maybe you're already saying something or maybe you just need to pick something for some families. It can sound like, “Oh, you look really frustrated” or “You sound disappointed.” The key is staying away from “You're really angry” or “You're really sad” because then we're telling a child how they feel. And that many times escalates things, creating a power struggle.

Many of us have now started to have the experience of parenting in front of our coworkers. I've potentially got a client or my coworkers looking at me on a screen and then the child runs up. They're sad. They're mad. They're escalated. So, so what do you tell parents who are trying to do this under the spotlight?

Melissa: I think that's why the empathy really is powerful because we're not ignoring our child and kind of pushing them away when we're in our meeting. It's an acknowledgement, right? And then if we're on Zoom and we need to handle a situation, we can move to that situation. But it's an acknowledgement in itself. And sometimes that will appease a child to manage it on their own, come down a little bit until we can get off our meeting or out of the spotlight.

I think the empathetic statement is like really a great, just one simple thing that we can say. And I think too, it's helpful in reminding us to not over-talk so much, because our tendency is to remind and explain and negotiate. It's just like, “It's hard and I'll be there in a moment.”

If this is something that you really wanted to embrace in practice or those that are follow your podcast. I have a free program called The Keep Calm Course and you can sign up on the childproof parenting site. All we do is practice this one response for an entire week.

It's hard. It's hard work.

I'm willing to bet a lot of us didn't grow up with parents who had access to parent coaches and Keep Calm courses. Right? So we're building a new skill in ourselves as we try to teach it in them.

Melissa: Absolutely. And I think too what I've noticed, especially with my clients that are running big companies they're struggling to manage a three-year-old, but they can manage a multi-million dollar company, is that a lot of the skills that you use in the workplace with the people that you work with can be applied to working with our children. We just don't see that connection between those skills. So I do help a lot of professionals kind of hone their skills at work and apply it to how they interact with their children. For whatever reason, people think it's a totally different set of skills. And that's actually not the case.

As the lockdown has closed in, do you feel like you have the conditions in your own life right now to be your most creative?

Melissa: That's a great question. You know what I've seen, obviously we've been in this lockdown for a while, is the time during this period that I've been really intentional about my self-care and finding balance in my life. I think I can be creative, but I've definitely gone through, you know, a rollercoaster of times where I haven't been great about self-care or I've taken on too much. And that's when, you know, I do see a lack of creativity in those moments and just a lack of functioning.

What you're saying is actually if you fill your own bucket with that self-care, maybe the conditions and the surroundings, aren't the key to creativity. Maybe it's just feeling better cared for.

Melissa: I think that's a piece of it. And now that you're talking about it, I think just having a clean, organized spaced for me makes a big difference.

I think a piece of it too is some of that mess around me is also like an issue around control. Like we just don't have a lot of control in our life right now. And so controlling how our environment looks and feels, I think makes a big difference.

What is one tip that you would give? I'd like you to say, like here's a tip for parents where you're both home working and then maybe a tip for single parents who are trying to do this on their own.

Melissa: Yeah. Well, you know, I think one of the biggest tips I can give to all parents is being mindful that our kids, their world feels very out of control right now. In general they have little control.

Like as parents we control kind of where they go to school, what's for dinner, where they need to be at four o'clock, right? Like we're in control of lots of things. And now with this situation where they can't even go and play with friends on the playground, they feel super out of control.

Being mindful of giving our kids some control within limits is really important.

I think that a lot of the challenging behaviors that we're seeing is because kids are feeling out of control and powerless. So I suggest giving kids limited choices.

So even around things that don't matter, like, “Hey, what do you want for breakfast? Do you want me to make pancakes? Or do you want a bagel?”

Just giving some limited choices gives them a sense of control. They have a control piggy bank. And if it's depleted, they're going to be looking for places for control. And usually it's not in positive ways. It's usually really challenging those issues.

So if we're giving lots of places throughout the day where kids can have some control, like even like, if they don't want to eat dinner, “Hey, do you want to eat dinner at 5:00 or 5:15? Do you want to eat your broccoli first? Or your Mac and cheese first?”

Let them control the order in which things happen: "It's time for bed right now. Do you want to brush your teeth first or put your jammies on first?”

These little bits of control make a really big difference for our kids. It seems kind of silly. Like they're going to put jammies on and brush teeth, but if they get to choose when it happens, where it happens and what order it happens, it makes a really, really big difference.

I think we forget about that, especially when we're so busy managing so many logistics, we say, “Brush your teeth, get jammies on, get in bed, story.” It's very depleting. So being mindful that from the first point they wake up in the morning till the end of the day is many limited choices.

It's not like, “Hey, what do you want for breakfast?” It's offering two choices, two you're okay with, and two, you're going to follow through on that simple choice. That’s not just from my own experience, but the hundreds and thousands of parents that I work with, that it makes a huge difference.

That's a great tip. And, and it feels manageable that doesn't feel overwhelming to try.

Melissa: You know, to your point on creativity, sometimes it takes practice and creativity to find choices in places we wouldn't otherwise be giving choices, but I guarantee around bedtime, there's probably 50 different limited choices you could give your kids. It does take a little bit of creativity to come up with like what those choices are and how they look and sound.

What would you say to parents as we face the holidays? A lot of us now are off school such as whatever school was. So how can we cope?

Melissa: Well, there's lot a lot that's happening and every home looks really different. I think for kids and parents too. I think one thing that will be helpful is number one, focusing on what we're gonna do together versus what we're not going to do. I know a lot of families are disappointed because there aren't traditions that they're going to be able to maintain. So this is maybe where creativity comes in again. Ask, “How can we maintain this tradition? Or what's a new tradition that we can add?”

I know for me, I have a dear friend who is actually Jewish, but throws a huge Christmas party every year, a caroling party. And she's been doing this since her kids were born and her kids are in college now, and this year because we can't meet and carol together, she organized all of us to show up in our cars, in a parking lot with speakers and we all caroled from our cars. So the same tradition looked totally different. She had elves deliver cookies to everybody's car. Sometimes we just gotta get a little bit creative.

I think finding new traditions, altering old traditions, focusing on the things that we're going to do together and not what we're not. And then having a little bit of structure around our days because most kids are off for about two weeks. That's a long time. So even if you can have like a general structure in how our days happen, obviously with the holidays, that's going to look different. But just so kids know what the expectations are and what's going to happen.

Kids feel better, have a greater sense of safety and control, when they know what's going to happen or what's expected of them.

I think having those conversations with parents of older kids, having conversations around what they can do socially and what's safe in their family is a really important conversation, especially those that have college kids coming home that want to reconnect with old friends, having conversations before they get home and setting clear boundaries there will be really important.

I think we will get less resistance when we've decided what this looks like upfront. And we decide this upfront with our kids. So we have the conversation together and not like, “Hey mom or dad decided this is what's going to happen.” More like, “Hey guys, let's talk about what the next two weeks are gonna look like on an average day. Like what do we do?” And just plug that in. Having the kids guide that conversation as much as possible is going to help. Because we're going to have greater buy-in when they decide how their day goes, versus we decide how they're taking it.

Is there anything that you as a parent have let go of since all this happened?

Melissa: I think with my younger one, who's 14, he socially doesn't necessarily connect with his friends over FaceTime or anything. So I've definitely let go and eased up a little bit on the amount of time he plays video games. Cause that's where he socializes and connects with friends. It's not that he has unlimited, but we've given him a little bit more time. And his friends tend to stay up a little bit later than him. So I've eased up a little bit there just so he can be present when his friends are there.

Is there anything you as a family have started doing during this time that you hope you get to keep doing any new traditions or ways of spending time together?

Melissa: One thing that we did was we did vision boards together. We did it probably a month or two into the pandemic. And my oldest decided to do a vision board with friends and both of them have talked about doing it at the beginning of the year. So I think we're gonna add that as a new year's tradition this year, which is kind of fun.

You know, I just appreciate having time with my kids because as teenagers, they wouldn't be spending as much time with their parents. So I think just, just the time that we're hanging out and spending together is really unique and I treasure that. We're doing a lot more puzzles together. That type of a thing during our downtime where they would typically be running off to sports and clubs and all of that.

What have you done just for yourself lately?

Melissa: That's a great question. Well, one thing that I've done is I've actually started to take baths, which probably six or seven years went by living in this house and I never once took a bath. And so that's one thing because that's a space where you can't be productive. Really. I feel like even in my self-care, many times I'm feeling productive.

Why is that self-care so critical for parents?

Melissa: Well, I think number one, it just creates a space where like you're focused on you, no matter what it is, whether it's writing in a journal or taking a shower, you know, you and I had a conversation about self-care together a while ago. And one of the parents was focusing on the fact that just taking a shower without her child was self-care and, you know, we just can't show up the way we want to show up if we are not taking time to refuel for ourselves.

I think that self-care allows us to stay focused and present and fueled because there's no way we can be patient and empathetic if we are running on empty and most parents, these days, are pretty darn close to empty most of the time.

If you were to design a t-shirt right now for working parents, what would it say?

Melissa: It would be, “I got this.” I got this, right? I think sometimes we just need to have our own little mantra. And when we use that mantra, we can show up that way. I don't know if you're familiar with Amy Cuddy, who's a researcher. She talks about body position and how the influence of our body influences how we feel and the messages in our brain. She suggests to parents and just anybody in the workplace and speakers, if you take a Superman stance for a few minutes before you present or deal with a tough challenge, you're going to show up with that confidence, it influences your brain. So she says you need to fake it till you become it. So it's not like fake it till you make it, but fake it till you become it. So if you keep telling yourself, I got this, you're going to feel like you got this.

I like that mantra and I think that'd be a fun t-shirt yeah. I would wear that shirt. And I think parents getting that little shot of encouragement is helpful.

I really appreciate your perspective and your time. Not only as a therapist, but as a mom, yourself, and a parent coach. Thank you so much.

Melissa: It's my pleasure. It's always great spending time with you, Marti. Thanks.

That was really fun and happy holidays to you and happy new year to you and your family as well. Thank you. And I hope in 2021, we are having a whole different set of conversations.

Melissa: I am fully confident we will.

Okay. That's right. We got this, Superman, take care.