New Parents, Long Commutes & The Return to Work
THE QUESTION
“For those of us who became parents in the pandemic, we have never done the drop-off/commute routine before with our babies and littlest ones. What should we expect?”
Parents of school-aged kids, how many times in the pandemic did you say, “at least I’m not home with an infant or a toddler!” But there were lots of families home with little kiddos who don’t really know the rhythms of getting up-and-out with kids in this age group. So, I compiled a list of ideas from seasoned parents and my own experience.
If you’re heading to the office or otherwise beginning a commute, and dealing with infant/toddler or preschool dropoff, read on for our ideas. And even if you already had some experience with this before, use these as a quick refresher course.
SO MANY POSSIBLE ANSWERS
Don’t do the math. You will make yourself crazy if you start calculating the hours you’re with your kid vs. the number of hours they’re away or in care. Don’t even do it. Their bond with you is NOT measured in hours, so save yourself the torture. When your thoughts go that way (and they will), just redirect to a happy thought about your bond.
Let their caregivers matter. It can be hard, as the parent, not to be jealous of the bond your child forms with a teacher or babysitter. Especially if your little one mixes things up, and calls the sitter “Mommy” or refers to you as “Miss Kate” at home. But, research shows that infants can bond with up to six caregivers, so I found my best luck allowing that bond to form and letting it grow.
When my daughter was three, she accidentally told me about my surprise Mother’s Day craft a day early. In her tears and confusion, she rushed to her teacher for comfort, not me. I stood very still and said a quick “thank you” that she loved her teacher that much, and reminded myself it didn’t mean she loved ME any less!Set solid boundaries — with your team. I once had a project manager follow me out to my car at 5pm, saying “Do you really HAVE to leave?!” Um, yes. Because while you might be inconvenienced, my child will literally be alone in the daycare with the lights off. Set the boundary. Mark your calendar OOO 15 minutes before you have to go and stick to it.
Turn commute time into self-care time. I mean, you can take a call from the car. I’ve done this — walked out of a meeting and dialed into it while driving home through traffic, worrying about missing the lights-out deadline. Don’t do this. Ask someone to take notes and email you what you missed. And then, turn on a podcast, or music you love, or just enjoy the silence until you arrive back to your child. They are counting on you to have some emotional coping left for them at that time (so they can fall apart!)
Make a plan and make it visible. This is a refrain from our August Effect webinar, and it’s worth repeating. Kids will get in on the “getting ready” act if their path is defined for them. Even toddlers can find their own shoes, and preschoolers can help with almost all the big steps of getting ready. That way, you can say “check your chart!” rather than “find your shoes!” for the 5th time.
Build in pauses. This helped me so much. If you arrive a few minutes ahead of the deadline, or your “normal” time, you’re allowed to sit still. Do some deep breathing, rest your eyes, blast your music, phone a friend. Your kiddo has no idea you’re in the parking lot. And you don’t need to let your guilt send you in the door until you’re ready (or they’re turning off the lights)!
Know your child’s love language. By preschool, your child may be expressing themselves in specific ways - the sooner you can dial into this, the better your transitions are going to be. And, take it from those who’ve been there, a good transition makes a good day, and a rough drop-off can cause tears for the parent LONG after the child is happily playing.
When my son was five, his preschool teacher told me his love language is gifts - she was right! So when he really, really couldn’t separate from me, I gave him a business card. He would carry it around, nap with it under his pillow, and stash it is in his cubby. When he got read for kindergarten we found an entire stack of business cards with his stuff.Their teachers are your teachers, too. I believe child care workers are angels. I mean it. And they know magical things about children that parents never learn! So if you can, go in a few minutes early or hang out a few minutes late and listen to the way they talk to toddlers and preschoolers. We picked up so many important phrases just by absorbing what our teachers were saying to our kids. One favorite, “I”m going to have you _______” As in, “I”m going to have you sit at the table with your snack because we sit down when we eat.” Or, “I’m going to have you put your bag away where it belongs.”