The Bottom Line: Moms Don't Have Time to Give Up

Back in the fall of 2019, I had the amazing opportunity to go to NYC and be interviewed on Zibby Owens’ podcast, Moms Don’t Have Time to Read Books. I had been following Zibby’s work for a while, fascinated by her take on keeping her reading passion alive while raising four kids and building a media brand.

Since that time, Zibby has created and published an anthology of quarantine essays (with another coming fall of 2021!) launched a new community called Moms Don’t Have Time to Lose Weight, and squeezed in a chat with me for The Bottom Line!

Tell us a little bit about your family and what you guys are doing right now in this scenario of school and work and home and all that.

Zibby: I have four kids ranging in age from five to 13. My oldest son is away at boarding school, my other three kids are here and going to school in-person. The little guys are in kindergarten and first grade. They go just for half a day and then they do Zoom for the continuation of the afternoon at home. My other daughter, who's 13 as well, I have twins, she goes full day, every day. Crazy. We have three hours of quiet which is lovely.

My husband, Kyle, is here with us. We're all in New York. There's no more travel. He used to work a ton in LA and does not do that anymore. So we're on Zoom all the time, and my sister-in-law is living with us here now, too. So it's just we've got dogs, and chaos, and Zooms. You know, even the quiet times are not so quiet.

How are you doing overall with all of this pandemic stuff?

Zibby: I lost my mother-in-law and my grandmother-in-law to COVID over the summer. We've inherited her two dogs and they're living here with us now. It's hard and I am still grieving, but it's not my personal loss. The hardest thing is watching my husband and his sister, Stephanie, grieving and having the finality and reality of it sink in. Then there's the unpredictability of it. A lot of times everybody's great and in good moods, and we're all just running around and listening to music. And then you don't know. It's just from one minute to the next, it could be one of those times. That's what grief is all about. We have that added layer of unpredictability and raw emotion sort of circling about the day-to-day.

We didn't see either of them from lockdown starting in March. Kyle didn't see his grandmother again and they're all super close. Kyle was allowed in the hospital to say goodbye to his mother her last two days, but I did not go. I saw her on FaceTime a few times.

That's added a different tone to the beginning of the school year. Prior to this, I had the expected anxiety of virtual school, and being isolated with just the family, and the whole state of the world and all the collective grief and everything. That was all difficult and disruptive, but now that this bigger thing has happened, it puts the rest of it in perspective. I don't find myself complaining at all about Zooms and I'm delighted that everybody is safe who's here now. So it's just a different mindset, I guess.

What would you tell most working parents right now who are trying to do work from their home and kids are in and out either at school or virtually? What should parents be thinking about?

Zibby: We all know how hard it is. It's completely distracting and there's this lingering feeling of guilt. “Is this important? Is this particular meeting worth being away from my kids?” Like there's this added layer of awareness that what you're doing is separate. It's a choice. It feels like everything is such a choice all the time, where it's not. This is your job. I love working from home, but it's very distracting and it's hard.

If you have the ability to get somebody to help out with the kids, even if it's an older sibling or any family or friends, then it's okay to make the time for you to work without guilt. You should do it and appreciate that your kids are close by. I saw an article in the New York Times about how all these CEOs were delighted that they could finally have family dinners for the first time.

There are some silver linings to the excess time around everybody. It's stressful and it's hard to focus sometimes when with constant disruption, but it's not going to be like this forever. God-willing eventually we go back to some other form of life. You just don't know. Maybe these are going to be your best times you've ever had in your entire life. While you're in it, they can be challenging. But when they're over, you might look back fondly and wish you were still there. So who knows? Even though it's hard doesn't mean it's necessarily all bad.

What do you do when the guilt comes after you? How do you handle that?

Zibby: Sometimes I just remind myself that I'm setting a good example of hard work and pursuing my passions and helping other people, and that I want my kids to find that joy and sense of purpose throughout their lives. By modeling that, it's more important than what I could have done sitting on the floor with them for half an hour. Maybe this example setting is worth it in the end, and giving back and contributing to the world at large is important.

Also that they're happy. They're happy playing and hanging out and doing whatever. They are okay. They're self-sufficient. I sometimes think about the olden days where all the kids were on the streets, playing baseball in the yard, and playing in the back. Those kids all survived.

You don't need the level of hovering that I had been accustomed to. It's probably detrimental anyway, so it's okay to let them play. I can come out and say “hi.” That's the other thing that I do. I do some work, and then I go and hang out with them for 20 minutes, and then I come back into my room. Sometimes I’ll say when it is okay to come bother me, and when I need to be left alone. Or sometimes I set them up with their iPads in the room with me, so we're together.

Can you tell us a little bit about what's been going on with the podcast and your new show?

Zibby: Before the pandemic, I had my podcast, “Moms Don't Have Time To Read Books,” and I had an accompanying series of in-person events, like an author salon at my house that I did every couple of weeks. I did a lot of bookstore events, and I had two book fairs each year where I sold all the books in the podcast in my apartment, and had everybody I know come shop and meet the authors.

Those things were fun and I loved the community building of it and introducing people. I just love connecting people. And then when the pandemic hit, I quickly regrouped and felt this calling to help all the people who had books coming out. After all that work and effort, what was going to happen with their books? I started an Instagram live show called ZIBTV. I did it five days a week for months, and had one to four interviews each day.

That was fun, and it ended up actually winning some awards. I also started Zibby's Virtual Book Club, which I did throughout the summer every week. Now it's every other week on Tuesdays, where we do half an hour of book club discussion, and then the author joins for Q&A. That's been really fun. We've had some great authors.

I also did a show with my husband Kyle called KZ Time where we interviewed other couples. Then I started We Found Time. It was a quarantine magazine. Every week there would be essays by authors who had been on my podcast, writing about things that moms didn't have time to do. Most moms don't have time to breathe, work out, eat, read, and have sex. It's actually going to be an anthology.

I stopped the Instagram Live regularity of that show, and now I do them from time to time, especially with authors who I've already had on the podcast who have a new book coming out. I still do the book club. I still do the Moms Don't Have Time To Read Books podcast five days a week.

I just started a new community called Moms Don't Have Time To Lose Weight, which was completely accidental. I had this moment where I just was feeling awful and just so not proud of my body. This quarantine weight has crept up and I have not focused on myself and my own needs, and everything's been slipping. I've turned to food for all my emotions. I finally had to come to terms with it when I came back here to New York City after six months and my clothes didn’t fit.

I don't want to go out and buy new clothes. I don't have the time. I don't have the energy. I don't want to spend the money, and I like my clothes. I thought, "Oh my gosh," and I felt so hopeless. What have I done? How can I undo it? I sat down on the side of my bathtub and wrote about how I felt on Instagram. I'm very open about my feelings, especially feelings I believe other people are probably feeling as well. At the end I said, "It's really hard to do this alone. Does anyone have any tips?" I was overwhelmed with the amount of comments, calls, texts, DMs from friends. Everybody had a tip, or experience they wanted to share, or a similar feeling. 

I started like putting them on little stickies next to my desk, and by the end of the day, my desk was covered in yellow sticky notes. I was like, "This is nuts. There's something going on here. There's a need for me to aggregate this information and get everybody together." The next day I started Moms Don't Have Time To Lose Weight on Instagram. It's not about weight loss. That's not everyone's goal. There are lots of different goals people are pursuing and they do them in different ways. But if we all did them together, it would be a lot more effective.

The comments are just as important as the posts. We have member tips in the story. There's all sorts of recipes. Yesterday I launched the podcast for that because that’s what everybody requested when I asked what would make this more effective. My podcast is a conversation each week with somebody in the community about their weight loss journey. It can be ongoing. It can be different types of things. Some people are coping with aging, other people want to talk about how their weight loss affected their sense of self. Some people are over-exercisers and trying to get that under control. It's just like friends talking. I feel like that's that support is what's missing as we're all so fragmented and off in our own spaces. I'm trying to bring us all together.

So do you feel really busy? Is it overwhelming?

Zibby: Oh my God. I'm so busy. It's getting very overwhelming. I am fast. I do everything quickly and I'm efficient with my time and very focused. I do emails. Thank God I type fast and I read quickly. I process things quickly. Even at my warp speed, I might need to hire somebody. So I'm trying to figure out what to do. I can do it but I'm teetering on the brink of not being able to keep up at all.

I don't sleep much. I go, go, go. Once or twice a month, I have huge nights of sleep to make up for it. I'm just doing the best I can, and I'm trying obviously to be with my kids when they're here. It's a lot, but it's exciting. That's the problem. I'm so passionate about everything I'm doing. I just keep getting all these new ideas and projects and it's hard for me to scale back. 

What are the conditions in your life you need to feel you're most creative, to have all these ideas coming to you?

Zibby: I think my husband is the key to unlocking my creativity. He's super creative himself. He and I just are constantly bouncing ideas off each other. There's something about our chemistry or relationship that brings it out in me. It’s more than just his encouragement and support. It's some sort of alchemy I can't put my finger on that happens between us. He’s my second husband. I'm so appreciative for everything he brings and the type of guy he is. I truly believe that our combination makes both of us super creative. He's now a producer, and a music producer, and film and TV, has a whole production company himself that he founded. We do some things together. He's optioned a few books from my podcast. So we have all this collaboration.

Other things that make creativity possible... The more I'm doing it, the more it's coming. Like I've turned on the faucet. Also, I have these breaks where the kids go to my ex. So I do remember who I am when I'm not constantly folding laundry. I have time to remember who I am as a person. I had years where I did not have that time to get in touch with myself. The ducking under the rainstorm under an overpass feeling, that is important.

I've found I've expanded my friend group and have a web of people in my life who are also really creative. And that's exciting. And allowing myself time to like walk the dog across the park, and think about things, and be aware when ideas hit me. Or writing things down. And reading a lot. I'm always reading. I feel like I'm in a total information flow mode. I am constantly hearing different ideas and stories. 

2020 in a way has given you a lot of those conditions. A lot of focused time with your husband when maybe he would have been traveling before.

Zibby: Yes, yes. A hundred percent. I used to do my podcast in person, which I loved because I love meeting people, and being face-to-face, and hugging them goodbye, and giving them a cup of coffee. I really like that life. However, I can fit in so much more now that I'm doing it all virtually. So I can do two podcasts an hour. I can do six in the morning before I even pick the kids up, and I'm done for a whole week of podcasts. So it's made my output much quicker and more robust.

What do the kids do when you're busy? How does that work out in your house?

Zibby: They have definitely popped in to lots of podcasts. There's a door behind me and sometimes the person on Zoom sees the kids coming in before I do. I try to always let them know what I'm doing, or I show them the book. We talk a lot about the books I'm covering and occasionally I do some children's books. I'll read the books to the kids. I'll interview people specifically because the kids like the books of theirs. So I try to loop them into the podcast. 

Then again, they know sometimes they get iPad time if I have an important podcast. Sometimes I have my babysitter come even just to help while I'm doing this. She'll do really cool stuff or she'll moderate some Zooms while I'm busy and we'll all be working. I'm trying not to feel guilty about that. We set aside certain times. Like every Tuesday at five we do cooking together. We have our big cooking class that we all do. That's fun and I look forward to that. We always all have dinner together and meals together.

Every day is different, but I always schedule. It’s a delicate dance I do with my own scheduling.

So you mentioned dinner and a cooking class. Are there any other traditions that you as a family have formed during this crazy year that you want to continue doing?

Zibby: We always used to eat dinner together, so some of the things are not new. It's nice we can eat lunch together during the school week, so I would like to do that as long as they're home. We celebrate Shabbat. We're Jewish and on Friday nights we light the candles and everything. We used to do that but now Shabbat's on Zoom. So sometimes now it's nice on Friday nights just to put it in the background and hear some of the music and I never would have done that before. So that's nice as a way to mark the end of the week.

I love doing these cooking classes. We do a lot of reading. We've been spending a lot of time out of the city, like jumping on the trampoline and taking lots more walks with the dogs. I want to keep all that up.

What are you letting go of, or not worrying about anymore as we've been in this crazy year?

Zibby: I'm only doing things I want to do. I'm not going to events that don't mean that much to me. I'm not willing to leave my kids for more than work. I've given up the things I feel obligated to attend, even via Zoom. I'm just not going to. I can't do everything and I think I've given up the illusion that I ever could.

I feel like I used to run around all the time. I was always running around. Let's pop in here and let's pop in there. This author's important to me. I want to pop into her book launch. Then I need to go to this school event. Then I really should go to this thing because I'm on the board. I should really go to that and I should really do this. I just can't do all of that anymore and live the life I want. And that's okay.

I was afraid that coming back to New York City would make me crazy again. And it hasn't. It hasn't yet probably because everything is sort of compromised here still. I'm taking it slower in some ways, so I can take it faster in other ways. 

What are the things you do just for yourself when you really need to fill your own cup back up?

Zibby: I feel like everything I do fills my bucket. My whole enterprise is so exciting to me. It's so exciting and it incorporates all the things I love. I get to read amazing books, and I get to talk to amazing people, and really learn about people. I love sitting and hearing about people and learning what makes them tick, and getting to know people. I just love all the things I'm doing.

I feel incredibly lucky because everything I'm doing is filling my bucket, honestly. I feel my bucket is very full right now. When I'm not doing all that stuff, I don't know. Occasionally we see friends. I just feel like it's all of a piece. It's all sort of interwoven in my life right now.

If you were putting together a T- shirt for working moms to wear around right now, what would it say?

Zibby: Oh my God. “Leave me alone.” Or maybe something encouraging, like “we got this” or something like that. I would probably want to wear a T-shirt that said “leave me alone.” Actually, what I was thinking would be really funny, and I don't know if I can pull this off or not. But as I get to know people and find out all the things you don't know about somebody. There's so much always going under the surface, and yet people don't operate that way with each other. Like how great would it be if I made these T-shirts. You click the boxes as if it's a doctor form, like "going through infertility treatments, just lost my father, recovering alcoholic, or waiting to hear about it."

Just all these things that if you knew you would be so compassionate. But you don't know. It would be so great if we could just wear it. We could essentially wear our emotions on our sleeves. I think that would be kind of cool. Just all these things, all these challenges that are under the surface. It would be so nice if we all just could know them about each other, and then treat each other as gently as if we did. But that's a fantasy.

Is there anything about combining motherhood and your career that you feel like that you really want to share or get off your chest?

Zibby: I would say I involve my kids as much as I possibly ca. It's something, so clear. I'm reading a book and talking to an author, or I'm helping people with their bodies. The things I'm doing are obvious. Bringing my kids into it as much as possible has been the most helpful. Getting them excited. Weighing in. “Should I do this? Should I not do this? What do you guys think? What do you think of this logo versus that logo?” I ask them about everything I'm doing, so it feels like we're all doing it together.

That's a helpful idea. So they feel part of it with you. I really appreciate your time and having you on the show. Hope all of our listeners have enjoyed, and hope to see you again soon. Thank you.

Zibby: Thanks so much for having me. I really appreciate it.