The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth

My word for 2020 is “truth.”

Not because I’m a liar by nature—but because I am a pleaser. I am a “go with the flow” person who wants everyone in every situation to be happy. So I’ll willingly let myself be unhappy, uncomfortable, even untruthful if I think it will keep the peace.

When I was in college, I studied Broadcast Journalism and I learned how to smooth things over in front of a camera. Forgot a line or couldn’t read the teleprompter? No matter, I became a master at ad libbing in a polished voice that made it seem it was all part of my script. Didn’t have a tape cued up correctly, or lost the sound on a mic during a sentence? Not to worry, because I could smile and nod and sort out the trouble with a quip and an unwrinkled brow. Dropped my papers, had to sneeze, had to pee, had an itchy foot, had to kick a co-anchor under the desk? No worries, I could ignore all the above while facing the red blinking light on the camera and keeping my cool.

This might sound like ninja-level skill.

In fact, at work this is usually an asset. Getting along with people is necessary, and knowing that most of the time the boat isn’t worth rocking can help keep your head above a lot of choppy water (is that a mixed metaphor?)

But it’s actually quite dangerous. It’s what keeps people in situations where they really don’t want to or shouldn’t be. It’s what compels people to accept a glass of cold lemonade when they’re already freezing and would really prefer hot tea. In a bigger, more serious sense, it’s what drives people to say they are happy when in fact they are sad or scared. It’s what makes people—especially women—ignore what they need for the sake of the “show going on,” no matter what.

In motherhood, this seems like the name of the game from the moment you become pregnant. Giving up on your needs so the baby is protected from caffeine, lunch meat, sushi, cat litter, loud noises, stomach sleeping, excessive heat … the list literally goes on.

It really comes back to bite you, though, when you wake up one morning and can’t find yourself.

You look into the mirror and see a woman who looks like you and sounds like you, and spends an enormous amount of energy keeping your people happy, but you actually can’t recognize yourself anywhere in her eyes or voice or daily routines.

If you’re a mom who is also trying to work, it can feel easier to slip into this zombie state than it is to tell the truth. Easier to accept the mountains and mountains of tasks and guilt, easier to assume it’s your own shortcomings making it hard, easier to believe that you’re the only one struggling.

None of that is true.

Here’s the truth: it has never been harder than here and now to be a working mom.

Nowhere in the world, and no time before now, has ever squeezed working mothers to this point of stress and anxiety and guilt and depression.

So, what do you do? Well, you start telling the truth. If you’re like me, this muscle needs a workout. It takes practice to say “I’m suffering,” or “This is unacceptable,” or “I need help.” For me, it actually takes therapy and coaching to say these types of true statements out loud, especially if they include (gasp!) a feeling I have to feel and describe!

It matters because the more all of us speak up, the more we can shape the definition of what working motherhood looks like in the U.S. today. And that will help all of us. After all, no one wants a polished robot of a mom or an executive, when they can have an authentic human who blends them both.