How to Tell The Truth (at Home)

Yeah, yeah.

“Tell the truth,” she says.

What if you’re one of those moms who feel like telling the truth is the same as dropping a bomb on your precious family or on the employer whose paycheck you do, in fact, need?

I get it.

So, I wrote a very imperfect little “how-to” guide. Some thoughts that have helped me own my story as a working mom. Hopefully they’ll help you, too!

Say what you feel – If you’re anything like me, this one can be the hardest. But it’s also perhaps the most powerful thing you can do to start to show others what your lived experience is like. What I’ve learned, by spending in bazillions of dollars on therapy, is to start by noticing how you actually feel in your body. You know, that beautiful machine that moves you through your life even when you ignore it? Yeah, that body. Notice the physical sensations. Allow the corresponding emotion to come to your awareness. Then, give it voice so another human can understand what you’re feeling.

What I’ve learned, through listening to countless working moms in sessions and online, is that this can be a radical act of courage. I like to think of it as civil disobedience.

Here’s why this matters in parenting: kids have a phenomenal radar for inauthenticity. So, I learned the hard way that trying to portray a calm, neutral face and voice when really I was seething with frustration at having to tell them something 37 times, was a no-win situation. My kids sensed that I was about to blow, and that my gritted teeth and tense shoulders were more true than my insistence that I wasn’t mad.

Here’s why this matters in partnership: as the chaos in your life and home and career builds, and as you get busier and time with your partner gets shorter and more tactical with each passing day, it’s hard to find the time to pause, figure out your feelings, and communicate them constructively. I get it. I was the same way. But, it really matters that you both get to express those feelings, so you can help each other survive the work-family conflict as a team.

Say what you see – This one sounds very simple, but it takes practice. Rather than rush toward making a demand or giving a command, sometimes it’s best to just pause and point out what’s in front of you. This allows everyone around you to align (or not) with what is unfolding, and sometimes it even allows everyone to start problem-solving together.

Here’s why this matters in parenting: kids are capable of solving problems when they are presented with information and given a chance to respond. This was something I learned while reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Instead of saying, “close the door,” try saying “the door is still open.” Then watch as the child proactively closes the door. This one really works and has made a big difference in the tone of my parenting.

Here’s why this matters in partnership: both partners often look at the same house and calendar and to-do list and see different things. So, a powerful first step can be to simply point out what you see, and then how it makes you feel (see step 1). For more on this topic, including great strategies for keep track of time and diving tasks, check out last year’s All the Rage by Darcy Lockman and Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.

Do(n’t) do what you say – For me, this is about combining the two ideas above. Noticing how I feel about something, and taking stock of the situation, often give me enough to make a choice about what to do (or stop doing.)

Why this matters in parenting: oh, we’ve all had to stick to our guns about something we told the kids we would or would not do (personally, I’m trying to do a lot less for my 5- and 10-year-olds). It’s hard. But they need us to show them how to line up the way we feel, the situation, and then our actions.

Why this matters in partnership: there is a tiny little test of integrity we either pass or fail every time our words and actions align (or don’t.) This is true of promises we make to ourselves, and also to the people who live closest to us.