The Topline: Four Hybrid Schedules Under One Roof

This week on The Topline, I spoke with Melanie Farkas, a full-time marketing and communications director at a law firm and the mom to two elementary-aged kiddos: 7-year-old William who is hitting second grade, and 10-year-old Leah who is starting fourth. Melanie’s husband teaches at Ohio State University and freelances on the side. All four of them are on different hybrid schedules. Read on for tips on managing that many details! 

How’s it going with school, work and home?

Melanie: For my husband, classes started back up again this week at Ohio State. He is doing some in-person teaching and then definitely being flexible for students who don't want to be on campus, et cetera. My kids go to a school district that is doing a hybrid schedule, which is two or three days a week, depending on the week. My work situation is also kind of hybrid. My office has started to open back up again. We're expected to be in the office at least two days a week and then we can work from home those other days, which is...

My kids' hybrid schedule and my hybrid schedule and my husband's hybrid schedule creates just so much crazy confusion and organization, attempting to keep everything straight. It's insane.

It sounds a little insane. So how are you managing all that?

Melanie: I have a giant calendar. I've been printing off everything I'm supposed to have, because in the days that my kids are not at their elementary school, they're going to a program at the church we go to that is a really great program. It's just meant to help kids like mine, who are on a hybrid schedule with their homework. I literally made a sign for the door, going out the door into our garage. It says "Are we going to school or the church today?" Well, here are all the things we need, which is like the new world. We need clean masks and a clean water bottle. If they're going to the church, they need to bring a computer and headphones. I had to get my second and fourth grader computers.

I do lots of sticky notes. I was just trying to figure out what the best way to try to keep my and my husband's schedule straight … I will tell you, I've been trying to think of what is the best way, because I want to be organized and efficient and be able to keep...

If I don't have it together, the rest of my family does not have it together. I need to find a system and I'm hoping my signs help.

I have this a giant calendar also right by our door into the garage. I'm thinking of color-coding who is where each day, because almost every single day is different, depending on which member of our family is where.

My problem is I really thrive on routine. I have struggled with this hybrid thing just myself, because I feel like I need routine and as long as I have that baseline routine, that allows me to thrive to really be creative and to do a good job because I have my ducks in a row. I do A, B and C when I get up in the morning. It used to be, I would have a half hour drive downtown for work. That's when I would listen to my podcast. I’d have this routine and that allows me to really thrive in other areas. I don't have that right now And I haven't... So when schools closed in March, I think mid-March, I really struggled transitioning from working five days a week downtown to coming home and then I got into a groove and I got into a routine.

Now here we are, again, blowing up my routines and it's been really hard just trying to figure it out and try to keep it together for the rest of my family.  

As a mom, it's pretty typical, everybody's relying on me to do all of this and coming to me for what am I supposed to do today, where am I today, what do I need to work on today? Yeah, it's been a lot.

How are you doing, I mean, you personally, how are you?

Melanie: I will say, and this is crazy, because last year I ran for office. I ran for township trustee and I thought, "Oh my gosh, there's no year of my life that has been as stressful as what I experienced in 2019." Boy, I had no idea. My stress level and anxiety level has been through the roof. I've never experienced anything like it. I'm pretty open that I've struggled with depression in my life and I definitely have found a good place with medication and talk therapy to really work well with that. But keeping that in check and then some crazy anxiety on top of it, it's been really hard.

There are days that I've been such a mess that I feel like I'm just failing everyone. I'm trying to be everything to everyone and I'm failing at every single one because I'm spread so thin. I want to be a good mom and I want to be great at my job and I want to be a good wife.

I have a couple volunteering things I do, like for Girl Scouts and for some other organizations. Those are so important to me, but the last few months I felt like I've done none of these things well.

Thank you, first of all, for all that honesty, because I think there are so many of us out there dealing with that. I'm the same way, depression, anxiety, medicine, therapy, how do we get the balance? I'm grateful for your honesty there. I think we all have to say that out loud.

…

What is the last thing you did just for yourself to fill your own bucket?

Melanie: That's a good question. A few times over the last few weeks and actually right now, I asked my husband to take the kids somewhere, to a park or something so I could really be fully present for this conversation. There've been a few times in the last few weeks that I've found with my husband I just really need to say, you need to do this thing.

Rather than just assuming some days he's going to take the kids to the park and let me have some quiet time. I really love to read and I have a giant backlog of books that I've been wanting to read and thought, "Oh, this will be the perfect opportunity because I'm home so much." I've struggled sitting down and concentrating on a book and I've struggled sleeping because my brain is like, "But what's happening tomorrow? What am I going to do? Where do the kids need to be?"

A couple of weeks ago we did get a babysitter on a Saturday and I had a date with my husband and we realized we hadn't done that for months. Five months. It helped me see that along with me feeling like I'm not doing a great job, we haven't been putting our relationship ahead of a lot of other things.

Just add on the financial stress of the economy today. My husband does a lot of freelance work aside from teaching and that has not been as busy as it typically is. We're under a lot of stress and we realized we needed to be focusing on our marriage as well. That was good. That was for me, but for both of us.

Have you as a family developed any new traditions during this time that you think, "Oh my gosh, this is actually great, I want this to continue"?

Melanie: I think similar to a lot of people we got into puzzling, which is really fun. I can't think of the last time we did a puzzle until maybe April of this year and that was really fun. A fun tradition. Another funny thing is I've never wanted to go camping in my life. Well, I camped as a kid, but as an adult, it was nothing I was ever interested in taking my kids to do. Being at home and thinking about things we could do as a family, that weren't exposing us to a bunch of people, we actually bought a tent. I haven't ventured, not yet, ventured to a campground, but we have slept in the tent in our backyard a few times. The kids think it's the most amazing thing, which is hilarious.

Do you have any tips for working parents?

Melanie: One of the big things I've learned during all of this is I have to accept that I can't be everything. There are days that I, the kids I'm like, just get on your iPad. Mommy needs to stare off into space a little bit. I think as a mom and I think a lot of moms could probably relate, we are just master multi-taskers and we got everything covered and

It's easy to feel like you're spread so thin and you're failing at everything. I have to remind myself a lot that I am not going to knock it out of the park every time.

My kids are amazing and don't expect me to be wonder woman, although there's a picture back here my daughter drew of Wonder Woman. It's kind of hard to see, but [she drew] a Wonder Woman logo and put “you are a hero.” We put ourselves up to this task of being so perfect at everything and my kids are like, "Mom, you're doing great." I'm like, "cool."

I need that reminder that sometimes just doing your best, well, most times doing your best is going to be good enough, but you can't always be perfect. Especially in this world today. We're in a global pandemic and the economy is crashing and there's so much divisiveness and strife that we're just trying to get by during a time in the world like nothing we've ever experienced in our lives.

It's okay to just be a mess sometimes.

If you had to design a tee shirt right now for working moms specifically, what would you put on it?

Melanie: It feels like there is no right answer. That's what I would put on a tee shirt. There's no perfect answer. There's no right answer. Again, we're all just trying to get by in a world that is nothing like we've ever experienced and hopefully we'll never have to experience again. It'll be so great, hopefully five years from now or whatever, to be able to say, "Man, do you remember 2020?" 

Is there anything you've given up? Like “I'm not worrying about that anymore, I'm over it in this time.”

Melanie: My house is a giant mess. I'm not the type of person for my house to be just perfect all the time. My son, especially, when he get home from something, he takes off his shirt and his socks and hangs out around the house, just in shorts. It drives me insane because I find his little dirty socks everywhere and it drives me nuts. I've really had to just let it go. We're in our house 24/7.

I've never run my dishwasher so much in my life. We're eating three meals a day here, seven days a week. If there are dirty dishes piled up in my sink, I just have to relax about it. I just have to let those things go because I cannot do it all. I have a partner who is doing just as much as me when it comes to taking care of the kids and cleaning up the house and doing laundry and things like that. I love him to death. It's amazing. I don't know how I would do this without him. I know a lot of families are not in that same situation. It's just hard on everybody. 

What is one question that you think I should ask my next guest that I didn't ask you?

Melanie: How about my favorite wine? Because you know what? I love red wine. I love Cabernets. That's my favorite. There is this Aldi Cabernet called Intermingle and I swear it's $8. It's delicious. I like a bold red wine. It's bold. It's like $8.

I also love watching movies with swearing. I love it when they go to bed and I'm like, “Yes, I can watch a movie that adults can watch." It has adult humor and lots of swearing. That is my “not guilty” pleasure.

Yes, let’s refer to it like that, because I don't think we women need any more guilt in our lives, especially now.

Melanie: Right. We give ourselves enough don't we?